Ann Coulter - News Parody Cartoon

Ann Coulter's Christmas Carol

WASHINGTON (IWR News Satire) - The Republican National Committee (RNC) released its annual inspirational Christmas Carol by Ann Coulter on it's website today.

Here is Ann Coulter's holiday message:

My Republican friends, I would like to take a little time here to honor the wisdom spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge, the business man, in what I like to call - A Cronyism Carol.

Like all good Neocons, I can never bring myself watch Scrooge's transformation in A Christmas Carol into slobbering liberal, so I always turn the damn tape off before he wakes up.

But I always remember Scrooge's insightful reaction when he was asked by some gay charity dork to help the poor and destitute:

``Are there no prisons?'' asked Scrooge.

``Plenty of prisons,'' said the gentleman, laying down the pen again.

``And the Union workhouses?'' demanded Scrooge. ``Are they still in operation?''

``They are. Still,'' returned the gentleman, `` I wish I could say they were not.''

``The Treadmill and the Poor Law are in full vigour, then?'' said Scrooge.

``Both very busy, sir.''

``Oh! I was afraid, from what you said at first, that something had occurred to stop them in their useful course,'' said Scrooge. ``I'm very glad to hear it.''

Yes.  Scrooge was way ahead of his times and indeed anticipated our courageous Neocon Revolution. 

At this mushy time of year, we need to remind ourselves that we owe the poor and aged of this country nothing at all

As Scrooge quite correctly pointed out when asked if he was concerned about the fate of the poor and unemployed:

``If they would rather die,'' said Scrooge, ``they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.''

Isn't that the most beautiful sentiment that you have ever heard? 

I mean we should never listen to treasonous liberals who would have our tax cuts rolled back or try to extend unemployment benefits so that we could help other people.

That, my friends, is the red spider-hole of socialism that the crony capitalist must always lobby against!

Every day I have to thank God for Rupert Murdoch and Fox News for dispelling such myths!

Yes. Let's follow Scrooge's lead and let natural selection run its course and reduce this surplus population of loafers.

In fact, if we just started hanging a few senior citizens and their liberal supporters, that would stop this compassionate nonsense once and for all!

It is not the responsibility of corporate America to  be responsible for what happens to the Bob Cratchits and Tiny Tims of the world, when jobs are outsourced to India or China.

What would a modern day Scrooge say?

Are there no prisons?

Are there no workhouses? 

Are there no McJobs?

Now my good friends go and count your ill gotten profits in peace and remember to have a nice guilt-free Republican Christmas!

IWR's Classic Bush Administration Christmas Cards 12/21


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Internet Weekly Report First Issued on 12/15/2001,
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