Mr. Rumsfeld, who has been in charge of the Defense Department for past six years, conceded that his Five and Ten stores aren't adequately competing with his low cost competitor at al Qaeda.

"These al Qaeda dudes really know how to take advantage of all those new fangled gadgets like blogs and podcasts on that Internet highway gizmo.

For example, as I understand it, terrorists can send messages instantly on AOL, while my staff still uses a mimeograph machine to print my press releases!  Hell, we just got that last year!

Also, my grandson showed me that Google search thing once, but when I looked up my name all I found were cartoons. 

Christ, no wonder we're the laughing stock of the world!  Why didn't somebody at the CIA tell us about this Google stuff before?

Well, we'll fix that just as soon as they install that 300 baud modem in my office and then I'll flood those damn Wahhabist bastards with spam emails and beat 'em at their own damn game," said Mr. Rumsfeld with that stupid shit eating grin.